Are you breaking it this year? If not, then a healthy dose of jokes, puns, and real estate pick-up lines might be just what the doctor ordered to get you back to your best level.
Too many closures to keep up? Bookmark this page and come back tonight to save some of those cheesy, hilarious, horrible real estate jokes to tell at tomorrow's team or client meeting. We've got some fresh new real estate jokes for just about every real estate agent out there.
And as a bonus, we've got hilarious real estate memes to download and share online.
Download 12 funny real estate memes
1. It is a free property
If you've ever googled "free real estate" and scratched your head at all the weird results, then congratulations. You've been exposed to the strange world of Tim and Eric. The humor here is not for everyone; in fact, some of you might be even more confused after looking. It's okay, we have that.95 plusJokes and puns are next! We made you close the MLS browser tab, right? 😀
2. The Double Agent
How does a dual agent sleep? Well, first he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.
3. Not so bright
The last buyer I worked with wasn't that smart. When I presented him with an exclusive bill of sale that said "Sign" at the bottom, he simply wrote "Capricorn" instead of signing his name.
4. The wedding
Tomorrow I'm marrying a major real estate agent. He is so dreamy. Look at the diamond engagement ring he sold me.
5. diePerfectCRM
CRM Salesperson: "This CRM will cut your workload in half."
Realtor: "That's great, I'll take two!"
6. Lowest inventory
Have you heard about the last unit left in the apartment building? In the end it was not leased.
7. The secret to real estate success
After reading books by Tom Ferry and Brain Buffini, and attending seven coaching seminars this year, I think I finally discovered the secret to making serious money in real estate: becoming a real estate coach!
8. A Runner's Prayer
"Dear God, all I'm asking is that you show me that money doesn't make me happier by tripling my GCI this year."
9. It's a pretty catchy tune.
What is a real estate agent's favorite Christmas song?Christmas for rent.
10. A runner's brain
A runner's brain is a wonder of nature. It starts working the day they are born and stops working once they have to launch a home owner.
11. Climate change
I became concerned about climate change when Iowa real estate agents began advertising their listings as"Possible beachfront property."
12. Real Estate Agents Magazine
A real estate agent I know asked me if I read Realtor Magazine. I said that I read it regularly.
13. We have all thought about changing careers
Years ago I worked with an agent named Beth, who was the best real estate agent in Beverly Hills. She ruled the entire Beverly Hills zip code and all of her clients.amadoYou. She has done so well that she owns a Rolls Royce, a Ferrari and a Bel Air mansion.
One day Beth just disappeared. No one knew where she was going and we were all surprised that she would give up such a lucrative career.
A few years later I went to SeaWorld and who did I see feeding a baby dolphin? Beth! Stunned, I approached her and asked why she left real estate:
"Beth, you were the best agent we've ever worked with and you had millions! Why did you change everything to feed the baby dolphins at SeaWorld?
"You know, I was sick of how useless it was to sell villas. At least now I'm serving a juvenile porpoise.
14. Hello girls...
Hey girl, are you a mortgage? Because you aroused my interest!
15. Interview
A new agent walks into an agent's office for an interview. "It says here that you quit your last job selling tapes after only three months. Why did you stop?" "I just couldn't take it."
16. The truth is out there
What do large affordable contractors have in common with UFOs? You always hear stories about them, but no one you know has ever seen one.
17. The miser
An old man walks into a real estate office and talks to the first agent he sees.
"What's your name, little one?"
"Hello, my name is Jeff and I would like to..."
"Listen Jeff, I don't want to hear you complain, I just want to sell my fucking house! Got it?!"
The agent replied, somewhat surprised:
"I'm sorry sir, I'd like to help you, but we don't use that kind of language here."
"Listen you little F%$% snooper, I just said I need to sell my F%$%# house! I want to talk to your F#%%#ng manager!"
So the agent goes to the manager's office and takes her out.
"Hello sir, my name is Carolyn and I'm the managing agent here. Can I help you?"
"For the last F$%#%ing time, I want to sell my F$%#%^ng $5 million house!!"
"I understand, sir. Is this D%#%#%ed making your life miserable?"
18. The house with two floors
My clients have made an offer on a two-story house. One story before the offer, another story after the offer.
19. Home clothes
What takes a house? Direction.
20. The lightest building
What type of building weighs less? A lighthouse.
21. The best price of all
At the weekly sales meeting, a managing broker makes an announcement:
"Attention everyone, I'm happy to announce that this month we'll be running our monthly sales contest and have lots of great prizes for all of you who work hard!"
A new runner in the background answers and asks:
"Well, what do we get?"
"It's easy. The prize will compete in next month's sales contest!"
22. Is your mom home?
A young real estate agent knocks on the door one afternoon and finds a girl sitting on a staircase.
"Hello, my name is Stacey. Is your mommy home?"
The girl nods and says yes, so the agent starts ringing the doorbell.
After five minutes with no answer, he turns to the girl and asks:
"Hey, I thought you said your mommy was home?"
"My mom IS home, but I live across the street."
23. Insects
How many bugs do you need to make money from your rental unit? Tenant.
24. But that rug cost us an arm and a leg in 1987!!
Ninety percent of the people in this town hate rugs. The other 10% hate YOUR carpet.
25. He made her an offer she couldn't refuse
A real estate agent was standing at the crossroads when suddenly the devil appeared in front of him:
“I can make you the most successful real estate agent and you will sell 200 houses next year if you sign this contract with blood. In exchange, you will give me your soul, the soul of your wife, and the soul of your children for all eternity."
The agent didn't even miss a beat before replying:
"Wait a minute... what's the catch?"
26. Hipster real estate agents are WAY outmatched.
Why did the hipster real estate agent refuse to show the riverfront property?
It was too recent.
27. Elevators
What is the worst thing about broken elevator puns? They are not very uplifting.
28. Aren't finished basements the best?
My Bread and Butter are listings with finished basements. These are my best wineries!
29. The trucker client
My trucker client was a pain in the ass. He always said that he wanted a house with long drives.
30. Don't trust the real estate agent!
A broker I know promises a free abacus with every deal, but I wouldn't count on that.
31. Der FSBO-Cold-Caller
After receiving cold calls five days in a row, one FSBO finally had enough:
"FOR THE LAST TIME I CAN'T SEE YOU THIS SATURDAY OR ANY DAY!!"
Without missing a beat, the agent replied:
"Okay sir, I sell prescription glasses separately. Let's make an appointment for an eye exam."
32. This house is for cats
Agent:"This house is cool, but it's really for the cats."
Buyer:"What do you mean?"
Agent:"It will take you nine lifetimes to pay off the mortgage."
33. Doctor House, MD
Why did the house go to the doctor? It had a glass window.
34. The One on the Roof
Did you hear the joke about the roof? I doubt you get it, it's in over your head.
35. ZOMBIES
Which room in your house are zombies most afraid of? Livingroom.
36. Lost the customer!
A business agent worked with a client who wanted to purchase a hockey rink but was having trouble estimating the closing cost. In the end, he lost the client because he could only give him a rough estimate.
37. I'm a great agent, other companies keep calling me!
"I need an increase in my commission," the agent told his managing broker. "There are four other companies after me."
"Really?" asked the manager. "What other companies are after you?"
„VISA, Verizon, Con Ed Electric y National Gas.“
38. Risa
Real estate agents have to laugh at their problems. Everyone else does.
39. Say it's not like that!
What is the difference between a real estate agent and a mortgage broker? The mortgage broker knows it's boring.
40. Two pharaohs
Two pharaohs in ancient Egypt were looking for a new pyramid, so they contacted a local real estate agent.
"We want the cheapest pyramid you have."
When the broker sensed his commission check was shrinking, he offered a rebuttal:
“Most of my pharaoh clients want the luxurious pyramids, as they can last 3,000 years or more. May I ask why you only want to see cheap pyramids?
"We want to achieve the value of our mother."
41. Star Wars
Which Star Wars character would make the best real estate agent?Tierrao Calrissian.
42. The Cheap Homebuyer
My buyer didn't have a lot of money to spend on a condo, so I asked the real estate agent what the condo would be.MinimumOffer that the owner would accept.
43. I could take her with me!
“Hey, that agent doesn't seem so strong. I bet I can beat him in a fight!"
"Are you crazy? This guy says he flips houses in his spare time!"
44. He looked so miserable
Why did the mortgage broker always eat lunch alone? He was a moneylender.
45. It certainly seems so
“Hey, I might be looking for a new runner. How many agents work in your broker?
"Almost half!"
46. Communication skills
My broker manager just told me that I was fired for poor communication skills. I didn't know what to say to that.
47. The truth is still out there
As I was looking through a new listing with my buyer, we were surprised to see ET sitting on the steps, waving his glowing finger in the air and asking us to call home.
I decided to call my friend at the title company to see what was going on and he said someone had one.Lienon the property
48. A hard lesson to learn!
49. The cold, hard truth.
Do you need more memes? Do you love the bust agent? Check out our collaboration with The Broke Agent here:105 Real Estate Memes Realtors Can't Stop Sharing.
50. The problem of punctuality
The only problem with being on time for your performances is that there is no one around to appreciate it.
51. Maybe less of a joke than a business plan!
ConsequencesThe broken agent on Instagramfor more memes
52. ¡Robot!
53. Perfect for agents in San Francisco
54. His management agent is called Cheeto Salsa
55. The Ultimate FSBO Challenge
56. This real estate marketing genius
57. Obi-Wan Kenobi saves two Sundays
58. New agents are like...
59. Headshots
60. Orange Are you glad this isn't your entry?
61. Smile!
62. Customers said their partner sounded a little harsh on the phone...
63. List!
64. Serious buyers
65. ¡Huy!
Read This Scary Article Every Agent Should Readhere.
66. 7 Tricks Real Estate Agents Use to Sell Houses, 1-3
Read the other deceptive tricks your competitors are usinghere.
67. Vease Google, Amazon, Apple, et al.
Read the rest of this shocking story.here.
68. The contract
69. It's in good condition!
70. Violation of the RAN
Hey big boy, are you a NAR violation? Because you are well written everywhere.
71. I need a better break up!
Agent:"Hey, I wanted to talk to you about getting me a 90 percent split. There are three other companies after me right now."
Real estate agents:"Really? Which one?"
Agent:"The gas company, the electric company, and the cable company."
72. Mix-up at the flower shop
An agent in California used to send his buyers a bouquet of flowers with a nice business card as a housewarming gift. One day there was a mix-up at the flower shop and its buyers received a card that said:"Rest in peace."
Angry, she called the flower shop to tell her how upset she was about the mix-up. Your answer?
"Look, I'm sorry for the confusion, but just think, there's a family at a funeral somewhere that received a bouquet of flowers with a card that said"Congratulations on your new house!"
73. CRM
Hey girl, do you know what's the difference between you and my CRM? My CRM costs $70 a month, but you are priceless.
74. An easement
Hey cowboy, I'm not asking you for a servitude, just a mere right to rest and pleasure.
75. Property Inspector
Are you a property inspector? Because you stared at me for hours at the open house on Sunday.
76. My nickname at the office.
At the office, the other runners call me coffee because I move it so finely.
77. My heart
Hey girl, you probably don't know this, but you have a lien on my heart.
78. SwiftKey
Do you have the latest SwiftKey app update? Because you're exactly my type.
79. The signal is STRONG here
Is your name wifi? Because I feel a connection here.
80. Cold calling
Hi handsome, I've been cold calling all day, but if you give me your phone number, I'll make an urgent call tonight.
81. Did you just feel that?
Is this listing in an earthquake area or did you just rock my world?
82. Government Regulations
I'm sorry, but state regulations and the NAR's code of ethics require me to disclose how beautiful your eyes are.
83. I need the card status!
Do you have a map of the offers that we are going to see today? Cause I keep getting lost in your eyes
84. FHA loan
Hey big boy, are you an FHA loan because you definitely have my interest?
85. First-time homebuyers
Talking to you makes me feel like a first time buyer, nervous but excited.
86. Contain objection
With such appeal, you are a paramount asset in the MLS of my heart.
87. The garden is quite secluded.
This listing has a beautiful garden for us to put our tulips together.
88. The jacket
Hey sailor, do you like my blazer? It is made of bridal material.
89. Words...
If you were words in my exclusive buyers agency contract, you would bepretendto press.
90. The inspector is here
Honey, we can definitely skip the inspection because I can already tell that you're spotless!
91. Today I fired my web designer
Unfortunately today I had to fire my web designer and get a placester site. We just weren't on the same landing page anymore.
92. Let's get out of here
What do you mean the two of us get out of here and go back to my house to check my packing lists?
93. Never use this... seriously
The local market has gone up and down over the years, but you will remain beautiful forever.
94. Your performance today
Hi, your performance today must have been at the equator because you're so hot!
95. What's your sign and uh...
Hey honey, what's your zodiac sign and are you already working with another agent?
96. Facebook Advertising Strategy
You must have an excellent promotion strategy on Facebook because you have made a great impression on me.
And you
Do you have some great real estate jokes, puns, or pick up lines that we missed? Tell us in the comments!